Face-off With Safaricom Live Season II

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Yatta passie!

Wednesday finds me with free time in my hands, and the infamous Laz Kisau Mbalatya invites me to take a journey with him upcountry to go "escort" his grandee! His Grandie passed on having hit 113 years old (wonder how many of us will manage to hit that age…with all these junk food, beer, smoking and of course chips/kebab funga, that we have forcefully made part of our culture!) Wish the old man would give us secrets! thumuua nau, thuumua (R.I.P. grandee)

We make a stop over at T-Tot. If you are a Kao or have been to kamba-land and have never made way to this modest hotel, then you lose marks! Their sumptuous samosas leave me ordering four of them. Their chapatis are also well cooked and one chapati can see you for a whole day (Mutheu Mutua, stop salivating!)

The (dusty) journey begins. Honestly, I come from Tala, Kangundo, just a stone throw away from CBD. At times, I even make those random decisions and head upcountry to have lunch and by 4.30pm, I am back to the city! Those people that head these route, I really feel for you! all that distance. Never the less, we in good company of Stanley, Kelvin, Emirates Arsenal, Aby, Shaqwisha, Mutisya, Sylvia, Sheila, Moniq, Ralph Eddie, Aleks, Timothy and Cyrus who make the journey interesting, jabbing at each other with jokes.



The freshest one was on Laz, kwao ni mbali had they have to carry a passport! (true…for the guy was carrying one!)…then ati the place is so interior had Google maps cant trace it!

Oddly enough is only Laz and Monique who are able to receive calls and access internet, the rest of us were swapping SIM cards like those goons in that CCK ad. They are masters. But of course, they had to be standing at specific points for the network bar to shoot up! I tried it, only to realize it was in the middle of the road. wacha ikae!!



It's been long since the skies opened up, but the little green here and there graces the dusty road. We meet these school kids, barefoot and braving the scorching heat! Takes me back to those years when shoes were a reserve for those whose fathers worked in the city and shoes were only meant to be worn on Christmas…na wageni wakija! They just inspire me over the fact that amidst the challenges always associated with schools from the interior, some of them have worked hard and alleviated their community off the struggles!

There is a huge presence of donkeys on these sides, possibly for fetching water. We even reached a certain point where a pack of them refused to give way, forcing us to take a detour…silly, no wonder mlinyimwa mkia, mkapewa maskio (*ilemkiaingine)!

We only get to cross paths with one motor cycle rider the whole journey! He is highly respected in the area, and is always on call.

We cross a certain river that has a slim bridge. When it rains (am told), hakuna kuenda ocha!…they have to wait for the waters to subside so that they can cross! Woe unto you if it rains when you on the wrong side…utalala kwa girlfriend yako kama umetoka huko!



My purported tour guide shows me an old market that resembles some in those cowboy movies…it's dead, save for some recent Safaricom posters here and there. Laz even has the audacity to tell me that it was featured in the dailies years back. Am left musing! keenga Ndunge!!

After the burial service, we get served a sumptuous plate of muthokoi (by his two younger sisters)…trust guys to finish it within seconds! Round two follows, and so does round three! My worry is constipation, don't we all dread those people that stop buses every 67 seconds to relieve themselves?

"Tell your sisters to continue cooking that way, and they wont finish school" jabs one Alex. True when they say that the way to a man's heart, is through his stomach! Reminds me of my weighty issues, I really need work out…and get into shape….wait, wait….round is also a shape! Fatten up Syoks, it's your turn to eat!

I notice his dog just gave birth, the puppies take me back to one dear friend of mine that has a passion for puppies and would do anything to mould them…do toilet training, etiquette and all that stuff! YOU know yourself! That photo of a pup is YOU!

We pass by , and here we decide how about we shake things up! 8kg's of meat, one Monique was picking like 10 pieces at a go, this is despite the meat being steaming hot!

beer there is 120bob…was expecting it not to exceed 100bob bearing in mind beer goes for 150 bob in Nairobi! Thirst knows none of that, and that bar-maid made a killing!

One observation, do all bar-maids share the name 'Mwende'? or any that starts with "M"….

Thank God am back to Nairobi, had a great time with you guys…but a reminder to one Kelvin , next time we do a road trip, tank up that car! You made us make like 10 trips back and forth…but it was fun chilling on the dark highway at 10.00pm…LET's DO IT AGAIN guys!

being a jang'o must really be a task!

am saying this after Jay Bonyo (that guy that stays at the border of Kibera and claims to be staying at Langata) extended me an invite to Ramogi Nite. I had hesitations until Rosemarie Omondi assured me that everything will be catered for (real jang'o i tell you!)

There is a lengthy traffic once you reach the Uchumi turn thanks to these generation from the lakeside. boa-boda guys are making a kill for those alighting from the matatus (but still grumble Carni sssould introduce shuttle service).

The parking is jam-packed, with the latest model of vehicles.

The last time I found a queue at the entrance of Simba Salon was my yesteryears when Smirnoff would let us have the experience of a lifetime! I almost thought am at a wrong place. You have to give it up for Ramogi Nite and the Carnivore for the hype, that's how to pull crowds!

Once inside, am LOST! Not only coz of my small body (and plump), but the lingua here. A blend of English and Luo (call it Lu-Nglish) filled the air and the choice of words is one thing they take notion of.

There are two stage, and am misled to the outside one. This is because the inside one is filled up, both on the dancefloor and the sitting area. (Luo's must have been forced to attend the gig). Ohangla beats reign the air, and the energy in Luo women…eeee!

Bandason is outside, and as Jay tells me…he is oozing rhythms. His speciality is Benga and the guy kept the crowd on the floor.



and Luo's will never cease amaze, Bandason performed with 4 sets of suits that night that had the green shade (YES!) and each time, you wouldn't fail to note his mtu we mkono passing by with the suits.

We critique the various patrons at the venue, in a light manner.

Those listening to Ohangla are rowdy in a way. Those are the 'rude' ones that will hit your car on Langata road, come out and threaten you of who they know in the judiciary and their relation to them.

"why you driving a toy in the name of a car?" would be a cliche question! (hehehehe…no pun intended!)

Jay automatically belongs to this clique.

Then the benga ones, these are the fortunate ones that care to hear. Their dancing is slow (am told its classy) and they talk in between the songs. Business deals? political ties?

They hit your car, they will come out, summon their personal mechanic to sort you out and proceed to share their business contact.

Their parting shot would be "we can do coffee at the Stanley or Hilton…or any place of your convinience…I will pay, don't worry!"



Their back-up dancers warm up the crowd. what happened to those two short guys that always feature in our Riverwood music videos. There was only one who looked lost dancing next to a towering one. Out of place, kabisa!

Dolla Kabary takes up the stage. He is also wearing a suit, and that hairstyle solely belongs to Kambas. Kabari yaawaaa, wachia sissi pank!

He is wearing Italian model of shoes that glitter through and gather no dust. at one point, the crowd fights for the chance to wipe them and make them more shiny.

He cracks us up by reminding us that on August 3rd, hakuna kugusa mwenzako lest you wake up late to vote for the draft constitution!

The night wears on, with the beautifully endowed women spicing it up. I manage to learn some one or two words on seducing a sister.

Syoks!